X. One-Sided Friendships and Relationships

Hey there, dearest reader!

Today I’m going to talk about the bane of INFJs everywhere: the feeling that the effort that we are putting into a friendship or a relationship is one-sided.

So, let’s just say I meet a new person and I like them. I pursue a closer bond– friendship or otherwise– and it doesn’t end up going the way I wanted it to it to. I’ll try my best to break down what happens in my head:

1.) When I meet this new person, I can compare our values and interests at an intuitive level. Because of this, I am able to make decisions about our compatibility pretty quickly.

2.) Once I’ve processed what I think about a certain person, I decide whether or not they passed the compatibility test. If they pass the compatibility test, I remove my INFJ shroud and I will be myself around them. If they fail, they can really only be good acquaintances at best. Most people don’t pass the test, and it’s rare that someone climbs to my inner circle after failing. This is because I know what I want in a person, and I’m pretty good at figuring out if people will be good for me or not. We will say that this new person I’ve met is an exception. They are one of the few that have passed the test, and I open myself up to them.

3.) Here’s where things can get tricky. Because I am able to size potential friendships intuitively, I can open myself up to people very fast. When there’s really that “click”, life is good, because the other person is equally interested. Other times, I come across people that aren’t willing to open themselves up as quickly, or don’t show their friendship in a way I am expecting them to. For our purposes, we will say our friend is cordial but not necessarily opening up like I am.

4.) I put all of myself into the people I care about, and I expect the same in return for my efforts. If a person is either unable or unwilling to give me the emotional investment I am giving them there is an issue. I start questioning things. Why are they holding back from me when I’ve already opened up to them? Can’t they see that I’m taking such good care of their feelings? Why can’t I get that back in return?

5.) At this point the friendship isn’t flowing naturally/smoothly, at least from my point of view. I start doubting whether they really want me talking to them, or they are just holding conversation to be polite. I give them chances to see if they are really interested or not. If I feel like they aren’t, I start to withdraw from their life. Sometimes it’s gradual, sometimes it’s very sudden (the infamous INFJ doorslam… more on that in the future!)

Coming to terms with all of this is very difficult. On one hand, I know that I have a good heart and I care a lot about the people around me. I know I deserve friends that treat me well. On the other hand, I know that there are plenty of reasons why it’s not the other person’s fault that things didn’t work out. Sometimes I open myself up to people very quickly and they’re not ready for it. Some people can be feel like they’re close with others without having to express it often, or in the same way I do. And sometimes people are just different than I thought they would be.

I suppose the root of this problem lies in my expectations of people. I give my best, so I want the best from others in return. INFJ idealism at its finest. The thing is, friendships and relationships are far from ideal. The struggle comes in being able to compromise while still surrounding myself with people that share my values and drive. It’s something I grapple with every day.

What do you all think? I’d love to hear what you have to say about this in the comments section. Talk to you all soon!

Seize the day!
Ryan
19 October 2016 10:27 PM

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26 thoughts on “X. One-Sided Friendships and Relationships

  1. INTJ here and I can relate to the door slam. There are times, however, whenever I have doubts and I start to think if I may have overreacted especially with friends who I know tend to get busy with their lives. There are times when I think of letting them in again because what if they’re really busy? What if they’re really drowning in their work? But then there’s a part of me that also thinks like “Nah forget it. So what if you’re busy? You can always reply (because come on it only takes a few seconds) and then be outright honest that you’re pretty occupied right now”.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahh, an INTJ has showed up on my blog! I am in good company. Welcome, friend 🙂

      Although our judgement functions cause us to make decisions differently at times, we still perceive the world quite the same through our dominant Ni. I think many people don’t think about these things like we do though. I would say that most people are happy with their friendships unless something drastic happens. I can only speak for myself as an INFJ, but I continually crave growth in nearly every aspect of my life– both on a personal level and with my friendships/relationships with people. Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize that not everyone sees things that way.

      The situation with busy friends could not hit closer to home. I just tend to tell myself, “if we are really friends, they’ll come around eventually”, but then I get despondent if they never do. And although those people still might like me as a friend, I need to see some reciprocation every once in a while to validate putting effort into them. Otherwise I just give and give until I am emotionally burned out.

      I am curious to hear about an INTJ’s experiences with the door slam. If you would be so kind as to enlighten me about your experiences, I would appreciate it.

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

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  2. I can totally relate to this too, and been there many times. Like any relationship, friendships need to be a 100:100 input. Even if the friendship starts with flying colours, people unfold (on both sides), and you might find out that the match wasn’t a good one after all. There is nothing wrong with withdrawing from a friendship that doesn’t work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated 🙂

      I agree that there is nothing wrong withdrawing from a friendship that doesn’t work. I think that sometimes I withdraw from a perfectly healthy friendship because I’m paranoid or setting my expectations too high, though. Being a perfectionist is hard when you want to be friends with people, because no one is perfect, haha.

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Ryan. You’re right, no one and nothing is ever perfect (and that would even be boring). My view of this is that if you withdraw from a friendship there are good reasons for it and that you were not entirely aligned with it for whatever reason (sometimes it’s not always conscious), and so it wasn’t a good match in the first place. Well, we could write pages and chapters about this couldn’t we 🙂
        Have a good weekend!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree that it would not be as exciting if everything were perfect, because then there would be no need to grow! I could write books about the subject, haha. It’s probably just that the INFJ type is so rare that most people aren’t used to it or don’t know what to expect (it doesn’t help that we tend to keep our deeper thoughts hidden as well!). In other words, those “good matches” can be hard to come by. But I will continue to search, because meeting that one quality person makes the wait worth it. I hope you have a great weekend as well, and that you continue to stop by my little corner of the Internet! It was great to chat with you. 🙂

          Seize the day!
          Ryan

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Hii Ryan. Again, this post relates to my current situation. I recently lost the most cherished friend because of my high expectations from him.

    I expect people to give me their time, attention and love just the way I give them. And if the standards are lowered by even a slight degree, it gets me worrying if I did something wrong. I have a problem, I cannot handle ignorance at all. And only due to this, I walked out of the most precious relation. It still hurts a lot. And I ain’t going to forgive him for this ever, even if I die in guilt. -_-

    Anyways, a great post Ryan. Keep writing more and more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated 🙂

      I’ve been in your shoes many times before, and I am going through a similar situation now. I want to share a quote with you:

      “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

      It hurts to be where you are right now. I know. I truly do understand how deep the pain is, it almost feels like you’re physically hurting. I urge you to please change your mind about forgiveness. You really don’t forgive people because they deserve forgiveness, you should forgive people because you deserve the peace of mind that comes with it. In my opinion, you can’t fully move on from a bad situation like that without forgiving both the other person and yourself. Again, forgiving YOURSELF is a very important concept too. I will write about this in more detail soon, but I hope this gives you something to think about in the mean time.

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

      Liked by 1 person

      • The quote!!! It is sooooo true, Ryan. :/ And I did not understand what you said, neither do I ever understand the concept of forgiving people and ourselves. Do write about this too. And it’s a relief to know that you’ve been in the same situation (though I feel bad, nobody should go through this feeling -_-) It would be great if you’d mention your own experiences, and how did you cope up and move on. That’d be of great help and relatable too. Thankyou so much. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I get it! I don’t open up to many people and unfortunately, I’ve “scared a few people away” due to expectations on my part.

    It’s not because I’m “needy”, but stems from my need to know so that I’m prepared. Most people don’t get that. I guess I could look on the bright side and think if they scare that easily they probably should walk away, but I’d still over analyze everything! Lol Hope that all makes sense to everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it just comes down to the simple fact that some people are not emotionally equipped to be in a friendship or relationship with an INFJ. However, when we do find “our people”, it makes the wait very much worth it. 🙂

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m currently experiencing this in a new relationship. He’s an INTJ so our communication methods are very different. Fortunately I don’t meet compatible people very often so this happens infrequently. I’ve only met two persons -platonic friends now- who I didn’t have this struggle with.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the comment, and welcome to my little corner of the Internet! 🙂

      On the surface, INFJs and INTJs seem to be very similar because we share the Ni dominant function. However, the INFJ stack is Ni-Fe-Ti-Se, while the INTJ stack is Ni-Te-Fi-Se. The second and third functions are switched and inverted. Although we share the same desire for symbols and trying to figure out what will come next, the way we make decisions is very different. I can find INTJs to be insensitive and INTJs can find me to be moody and brooding. It’s just one of those differences you have to learn to deal with if you want the relationship to move forward it seems.

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

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      • The functional stack leads to some interesting differences in expression, as you’ve alluded to. While INFJs tend to express intuition emotionally (Ni-Fe) and thought in action (Ti-Se), you’ll often see INTJs discuss their inner notions (Ni-Te) and express their feelings in action (Fi-Se). Sometimes that leads to a “shock” in communication or a seeming disconnect.
        And when you see (Fi-Se) higher up in the functional stack, as in an ISFP, you get the more obvious expression of inner feelings in performance, as in a song, for example. It’s all very interesting, isn’t it? 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you for your insight! 🙂

          The functional stack definitely plays a big role in how people act. Perhaps someone just beginning their journey into the MBTI would say that INFJs and INTJs would be similar because 3 out of 4 of the letters are the same. That one letter difference can indeed manifest itself in interesting ways.

          I hope to see you around, because it’s always nice to have thoughtful discussions with people! Take care.

          Seize the day!
          Ryan

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey there!
    Well, I’m INFJ so can totally relate to this. The thing I would say is that it takes me a while – even after I’ve “approved” someone to join my inner circle – to get really invested in them. I let them take the lead: if they’re making the efforts and look like they want this friendship to go somewhere, then I’m all in as well. Let’s be honest, if I’ve “approved” them, then they WILL make the efforts. My instinct has never really failed me. Now, if somebody is “slacking”, not giving back as much as I expect them to, I think about it carefully: is it their first offence? What’s happening in their lives right now? Are they unusually busy? Going through a rough time? Etc…
    If the answer is yes to all or most of these things, then I let them off. However, should it happen again then we’re going to have a problem.
    So, I really think I’m not unreasonable.
    As for INTJs, there is one in my inner circle and I can tell you he does NOT hesitate to door slam. AT ALL. I mean, I find it really difficult door slamming if it’s somebody who’s been a friend for years, although I’ve had to do that a couple of times but I HATED doing it – I was just really left with no choice so I did it. But it upset me.
    This INTJ I’m talking about however has door slammed 2 good friends because he had invested in them and they kept letting him down AND he had no trouble saying: “I’m done.” He went through with it and it was all forgotten within a week.
    To be perfectly honest, I’ve found that INTJs have the potential to be quite cold, although my real bad experiences have been with ENTJs *shudders*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for you comment, and I am glad you could relate! 🙂

      I think ENTJs can good allies to have strictly in the workplace or school setting, because we both have a vision of succeeding and we both want to get things done. Emotionally we can be a little different :/

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

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  7. Aah sometimes it is nice to google “INFJ” and read things that remind me I’m not crazy! This has been so immensely, hilariously, painfully true in my life, also. I’ve scared off so many people by being too intense too fast, and then been left hurting and broken and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I sometimes feel I spend all my friendships waiting for the other shoe to drop: it’s too good to be true that we could hit it off, and one day either I’ll push to far too fast and scare them off, or they’ll see the real me and be terrified, intimidated or disgusted. I wish I could just relax and enjoy the friendship for what it is, but that skill seems to elude me, alas.

    On the positive side, I do enjoy the INFJ superpower of being able to know almost straight away if I’m going to be friends with someone. The friendship doesn’t always blossom straight away, but I’m never surprised when it does. This has happened with just about all my close friends, including my husband. Long before there was anything romantic going on, I knew we would be good friends and understand each other. It saves wasting a lot of energy in relationships with anyone who, as I heard it delightfully expressed once, will be a bucket-emptier, not a bucket-filler!

    Thanks for your blog; I’m enjoying it immensely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment, and I’m glad you are appreciating the blog! It is also nice to know that there are people out there who can relate to my sentiments.

      There are some interesting idiosyncrasies when it comes to being an INFJ, but we do have some amazing superpowers too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve amazed people with my seemingly prophetic insights, although I’m sure me saying that doesn’t surprise you. 🙂

      Thanks again for stopping by, and I hope to see you around!

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

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  8. Whew! I am so glad to have come across this post! I am new to finding out about being an INFJ, and holy smokes did it clear up a lot of worries I had about myself! lol In any event, 6 months ago I made an amazing friend (unfortunately internet only as he lives in Europe), but even so, it only took a little bit of chatting on fb to realize what an amazing connection we had! We even adopted each other as… long lost sister and brother, if you can believe it. He’s taken some MBTI tests, and… he’s come out as INTJ and also INTP. I tell you, I have NEVER “met” anyone that “got” me so much as this guy. It was like… heaven. And, even though he was busy with finishing his degree in Theoretical Physics, the communication energy was very equal.. which is to say, it was off the charts ridiculous on both ends! xD

    So, I knew this level would not last forever, and I was correct… as he then started a special program with his mentor and will soon start PhD work. I MORE than understand his need for focus and discipline… but.. can I just say.. it’s be terrifically difficult because the communication basically dropped to zero, just like that. At the time, he still encouraged me to keep writing him.. and he’d, “get to it eventually.” So, I kept plugging along, sharing thoughts and just keeping on communicating as if he was still going to reply soon.. ish (yes, at a slower pace, but even so, after days and weeks of this stuff piling up.. it seems unmanageable if it isn’t dealt with right away). I questioned him on this.. and he STILL said it was ok….but naturally I had to doubt this.

    Finally, it got to a point a month or so ago, he doesn’t respond to his emails, his fb messenger, or anything else. We kinda discussed it before how he was basically going to “shut down” on anything that was distracting. I guess… Idk, I guess I didn’t expect that I was going to just be a… distraction, and totally feel shut out, having no way to contact, or get a hold of him, in any fashion. As the silence lengthens, of course my brain starts thinking up all the worst scenarios. I hate it.. I KNOW rationally that he’s probably just swamped as he’s trying not to fall behind in his work… but then the other part of me just thinks… “Ugh, it would only take like a few minutes, once a week to shoot me a quick.. hey! how’s you? I’m SO busy!… message and I’d then at least KNOW for certain that he wasn’t just bored of me, or, not interested in the friendship anymore. Ya know?

    I finally had to take it upon myself to shut down all the outflow of communication energy, to, at the very least, prevent myself from getting resentful. Resentment will KILL a relationship faster than anything!

    So, now I’m just in a holding pattern.. waiting until I hear a direct word from HIM, and doing my best to not encourage my negative thoughts about the situation. Is this technically a one-sided friendship? Idk.. it sure wasn’t at the start, that’s why I bothered getting so invested in the first place! If it wasn’t for the amazing beginning of the friendship, and the fact we both love the other as friends (yes, he’s stated his love and affection, and he’s not the sort to just throw that kind of sentiment around and neither am I), it would be so easy to just shut it down and forget about it and write it off. But no, I am very invested in caring for and supporting him (as much as you can at a great distance), and value this friendship as no other I’ve ever had.

    lol wow, I realize this reply is VERY long, I don’t know if anyone will read it or even be able to give some advice. Or maybe I just needed a good vent. lol But still, do you think I should hold out hope? Or just give up. Like I said, I’m new to MBTI.. perhaps this is typical of INTP/INTJ? And I should just chill and not worry? That he’ll be back with me as soon as he has time? I really don’t want to feel like I have to shut down my heart, to close it down to protect myself, I feel that will REALLY kill the friendship if I do that. The fact is though.. if I am still floating around in limbo, not sure what’s up… I can’t just keep putting my energy out there without at least a tiny bit of reciprocation. Perhaps this is selfish.. I know sometimes I feel that way when I start thinking of it like that. 😦

    Anyway, Thanks for listening.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome to the world of MBTI! I’m glad that you’ve begun your journey of understanding yourself more. Reading my results for the first time changed my life! The INFJ type is so rare that people like us often go about our lives feeling misunderstood by many other people out there. One thing that my journey has helped me realize is that not everyone else thinks and acts exactly the same way I do. It makes things a lot easier when trying to process when people don’t respond exactly the way we think they should sometimes.

      Thank you for telling your story! It always makes me happy when my posts can spark some discussion. I also have experiences where I connect with people really easily in the beginning, and then watch as the friendship drifts away right before my eyes. I totally understand the emotions that you are going through right now!

      INFJs and INTJs share iNtroverted Intuition (Ni) as their dominant cognitive function. That means we tend to see the “big picture” of things. Since INFJs and INTJs collectively make up only 3% of the population, it is a rare and welcome sight to find someone who can see things the way we do! I can relate to nearly latching on to those people when we find them in our lives.

      The way that you’re reacting to your friend is very much an INFJ trait. Shutting off all communication to preserve your emotional well-being is called the “door slam;” if you’re interested in reading more about it, I would recommend the piece I wrote here: https://themindofaninfj.wordpress.com/2016/10/22/xiii-the-infj-door-slam/. I’ve had other INFJs tell me that it’s given them the words to describe what they do on a subconscious level.

      It seems to me like the friend you’ve met is very important to you, and I’m sorry that he’s not responding in a way that you would like him to. I’m not sure if I can give you any advice to make him talk to you more, but I think I have some information that can help you:

      1.) Although INTJs are able to see the world in an abstract way like you are, they are different creatures when it comes to emotions. INFJs have a desire to be reassured that the other person cares about them, and they can feel slighted if they think their emotions are not reciprocated. There’s nothing wrong with this, but a lot of types (especially Thinking types) can’t grasp this line of thought unless you explain it to them. Many will just assume that if nothing has blown up between you two since you last talked, then things are all good. It’s important to communicate that you would like something like a quick weekly text for some reassurance.

      2.) As I mentioned in the first point, INFJs feel very strongly toward those they feel that connection to, and it can be upsetting when the friendship is perceived to be one-sided. The thing is, some people just don’t have the emotional depth to accommodate a friendship/relationship that the INFJ desires. You can save a lot of emotional energy by accepting that not every person you meet will be able to go to that level with you.

      3.) As sad as it might be, people (even the ones we really like) tend to be temporary fixtures in our lives. Old friends go out, and new friends come in. This is okay!! Sometimes, we need to realize that no matter how much energy we put in, we aren’t going to get the results that we desire in a friendship. One saying that has always stuck with me is, “If you’re trying to win someone over, you’ve already lost.” Think about all the energy that you could be putting into new people–ones that potentially could really care about you–that you’re sinking into someone that’s unresponsive instead! Sometimes you have to let some people drift away so you can let the new ones come in. It’s hard for people like us who really crave those deep relationships, but it saves us from being emotionally drained and having to slam the door on someone we’ve invested a lot of unnecessary emotions into.

      So in conclusion, I would tell him how you feel about things, and what exactly it is you want him to do to show that he is still interested in maintaining contact with you. It seems to me like he’s very busy, so he may not be able or willing to accommodate those requests. That’s okay! You’ll always have those memories of the connection you’ve had with him, and you’ve learned more about yourself in the process. You’re living life! Don’t be afraid to look for other places to give your love and energy, because you deserve someone who will take care of your emotions like you will for them. Many adventures lie ahead, so don’t lose heart.

      I hope this helped. Thank you so much again for the comment, and please let me know if you have any other questions or comments. Take care, friend! 🙂

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

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  9. Hello Ryan! Wow. Your response here certainly exceeded my expectation! 😀 Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply in such a well thought out, understanding manner. It’s greatly appreciated. 🙂

    It’s funny… let me just begin by saying my friend finished the multiple projects he’d been working on the Very. Next. Day. after I wrote my original comment and broke the silence! (Ya know… it’s like hearing funny rattles in your car… as soon as you take it to the mechanic, the noises and issues magically disappear! xD)

    Before that though, I HAD left him a message, basically outlining some of my feelings and concerns you touched on in your reply to me. He finally replied (again, once all his projects finished) and it was a looooooong, lovely message touching on my concerns.. he ABSOLUTELY understands and knows what I had to say is valid. He assured me it really pains him to not be able to spend as much time “with” me as in the start. But, he also laid out for my how he HAS to schedule his life.. not Wants to, but HAS to, in order to get done what he needs to get done, and more importantly, to maintain his emotional/mental well being. He told me he is so easily distracted type of personality, that several years ago he made it up in his mind to make a strict system of scheduling everything to allotted times, that includes time given to interact with the special people in his life. (and.. side note.. I hate to sound all.. INFJ-y xD and all… but, I had already got a distinct impression of how he would use a “schedule or die” type of mentality quite early on in the friendship. It felt quite good to get confirmation of my impression xD )

    Now, I’d love to respond to your advice a bit point by point regarding my friendship issues. 🙂

    First the “doorslam” Yeah! I’ve heard of this! I did read your post about it.. Oh, man…wow, could I relate… my heart was going out to you. ❤ Ah, in any event… I can't consider what I did a doorslam attempt. Really more of a… throttling back ONLY my communication energy, not my emotions. But, yes, that was a self protective measure in order not to form resentment, not even a tiny bit. And, doing that *did* do a lot to alleviate my discomfort. And my friend, he's so funny, he did agree it's best for both of us if I slow it down… lol… but he flat out said I was still welcome to send him as much stuff as I like (cuz he likes me so darn much and even though he might not be responding.. he DOES read everything! xD) but that I should know it might take him forever to get back to me.. in fact, he's told me.. even IF I tell him not to bother responding to old stuff, he STILL will! (even if it's years later) God, he's bananas (partly why I love 'im so much 😛 ). So yeah, I am NOwhere near slamming a door on this one. 🙂

    Now to your numbered points:
    1) I kinda think I already covered it above… but I wonder… is it possible his Thinking could be a little…. on the squishy side? lol Maybe he allows for a bit more Feeling to poke through than normal INTJ/INTPs? Because he just seems so understanding of my side of things and doesn't treat me at all as if I'm wrong to feel the way I do.

    2) Yes, yes, yes! I now understand better that the way I feel IS a bit "over-the-top" so to speak to most other people walking the Earth xD. And, I can make peace with that now. I think it's all about managing expectations. It's come to me to just not have expectations of others in order to make me happy. I can only have expectations of mySELF, and how I react and respond in the world. It is SUPER difficult though.. understanding a thing.. and acting on that understanding are sometimes very different animals. xD

    3) I agree 100% with everything you said in this point! These are difficult lessons to learn, but Important ones indeed. I work on this all the time. Just.. letting things come when they come… and letting them go when they go… no struggles. I'm not all the way there… but… I'm a lot closer than I used to be. 🙂

    I'd also like to add… you know what? In actuality.. considering what I know about him and (getting concrete confirmation on his strict life scheduling) I feel like I really got preferential, special treatment for those first few months! To me, that is a testament to the true connection and special bond he felt/feels with me. I feel pretty grateful to have gotten so much attention, and got the opportunity to make such a lovely friend. And to know he would still *like* to spend as much time with me, but just can't, says a lot. I understand how it is.. I'm not an unreasonable person. Again, I think I got a bit… "spoiled" 😛 and it was just really difficult to go from Full Speed Ahead! to a screeching halt. :/

    I think now that things have gotten sorted out between us the past few days.. I'm ready to accept how things are, and will be more prepared in .. managing those darn expectations I might have! 🙂

    You are so right about putting energy into other people and things, and I do focus on that. And, I have lost a good friend before.. and know the heartache, but more importantly, I know I will move on and be more than ok. So, even if my recent friendship actually DOES drift away, or suddenly ends.. I know I'll be ok with that too… after a little grieving sure.. but still… Life moves on, and so do I.

    Again, thanks so much Ryan for reaching out, it really moved me. I know you appreciate and understand the situation, and you have given excellent advice! You know what you are talking about good sir. 🙂

    Seizing all the days! 😉
    GreenEyedDreamer

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    • Hey there, GreenEyedDreamer!

      It seems like you’ve got everything figured out pretty well, and I’m so glad for you! It seems to me like you had a lot of important realizations about yourself from this experience, and you got to keep your friend, so that sounds like a win-win situation to me! 🙂

      Sometimes we just need to get all of our pent-up feelings out, and then things begin to get better once we understand how we really feel about something. I’ve found that my feelings can be a little bit hazy when they’re just all buzzing around in my head, and writing them out or talking to someone I trust can really help flesh those things out.

      I think an important thing to note is that everyone, no matter what their personality type is, feel emotions and want to express love to the people they care about. The difference between the types is how those emotions are expressed and the different forms that love can take. A common misconception is that Thinking types can’t be emotional, and Feeling types can’t be rational. Without a doubt, your INTx friend cares about you, but he just might show it in a different way than you’re used to! As you stated in your post, the fact that he takes time out of his incredibly busy schedule to talk to you when he can is a very high compliment! I think it’s easier to breathe a sigh of relief knowing that that he still cares but has a lot to do, rather than him simply being apathetic toward you. I think a critical lesson for INFJs to learn is that someone can still care about us even if they don’t show in the way we would like them to–I am no exception to that.

      I completely relate to you in your quest to learn to let things go more easily. When people like us make that special connection to someone, we instinctively want to hold on to them forever, almost as if we could never form that type of bond with someone else ever again! When those people leave our lives, there’s nothing wrong with grieving that loss. However, I think our perspective plays a big role in how we bounce back and recover. We can choose to be down on ourselves, try to chase something that’s already gone, or we can appreciate what we had and move on with lessons learned and memories made. As A.A. Milne once said, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Although that actual person may have come and gone, the memories and experiences will always be there. And then, a new special person may come into our lives when we least expect it!

      I think having that mindset of things being temporary does save a lot of unneeded grief. With that way of thinking, it’s easier to enjoy the good times while they last, and know that more will come in the future. The concept of mindfulness has really helped me with that a lot. Attitude is everything!

      Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments. I am honored that you are willing to share your story and make yourself vulnerable like that–I know how difficult it can be! Best of luck to you on the journey we call life, and I hope that our paths cross on another comment thread soon. 🙂

      Seize the day!
      Ryan

      Like

  10. Ryan,
    I couldn’t agree more with everything you said above. And umm.. it also nearly brought a bit of tears to my eyes. 😛 Yes,it IS nice to come have a place to kind of hash out thoughts and emotions in a completely sympathetic environment. 🙂 Thanks for keeping a space like this for this sort of discussion.

    Being vulnerable *has* been a very hard lesson indeed! I used to be the most closed off person you could care to meet.. in a sort of… self-imposed prison, I suppose. I was incredibly miserable and lonely. It’s only after a lot of inner work and emotional release that I’ve come to realize that allowing myself to be.. vulnerable.. to be open to admitting I might need help from time to time… that I actually DO need people to connect with in this life, has just been a God-send. Life is much more fulfilling and joyous now-a-days. 🙂 I’m 43 now, I don’t care to muck about, and waste precious life and time finding new ways to be a misery. lol Upwards and Onwards!

    Thanks again! And I will definitely have to peruse some more of your writing here. 🙂

    Have a lovely day,
    GreenEyedDreamer

    Liked by 1 person

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