Good to see you, dearest reader!
So this is my sixteenth post on this blog. By the time I finish this post, I will have written about 10,000 words here. I’ve started to go deeper into myself, but what if I told you anything I’ve written so far is just scratching the surface of who I am?
Who I really am, that is. Not the person that people around me see. Who I truly am at the very core of my existence. That can be hard for anyone else to determine, because INFJs are chameleons when it comes to the social aspect of things. It’s not that we are being fake, we are just very dynamic when it comes to adjusting to new social situations. We hold back things about ourselves to others to maintain harmony in our friendships and relationships. We even try to hold things back from ourselves sometimes. I’m not going to hold back anything to anyone today, because that’s the point of this blog. We are not always the magical unicorns that some personality tests make us out to be. We have our dark sides too.
Let’s get into it.
Perhaps a fitting first point for what’s to come: INFJs can be very critical, on both others and themselves. We do not tell people what they want to hear, we tell them what they need to hear. People can take offense to that, even if we were just trying to help.
Although sometimes we hold back when we criticize others, we do not pull punches on ourselves. We think we should know better than to make a mistake, and we can beat ourselves up over it.
Although people might see us on the outside as cheery and collected, we are really a continuous hurricane of emotions. Even our best friends do not feel the full extent of it, because we don’t think anyone will be able to fully understand what we are going through and the depth we feel things at.
Very likely related to the last point, we tend to bottle up our emotions until we explode. Don’t be the one that lights the fuse. Although we will regret it completely after it happens, we know how to choose the exact words that will cut someone so deep.
We have high expectations for people. We give so much of ourselves to others and expect the same in return. We usually do not meet people that fulfill those standards, and this is what causes us most of our pain. I think a lot of us worry about if we will ever find a person that lives up to our expectations as a life partner.
But even all of that is just peeling a few layers off the proverbial onion. Usually that is enough depth to more than satisfy most people. The dark side of me, the place that even I don’t like to go, is a lot deeper than that.
I once read that INFJs are 50% angel, 50% wolf. For a while I fought that in my head. I’m a good person, because I’m an INFJ! We are seers and healers! Then I realized that being an INFJ doesn’t automatically make me a good person. I actively try to be the best person I can, but I can be a whole new breed of bad if I’m not careful. If I wanted to be. I could be– and at times have been– the most arrogant, entitled, self-absorbed person out there. Even if it’s just in my head and not out loud. I care about the people around me so much, but I just know that if somehow the switch flips that I have the potential of being stone cold, completely apathetic. There are times where I put my own interests above other people’s, or when I do seemingly nice things just for an ego boost or because I want something in return. It makes me question– am I truly doing these things because I am a good person?
I am not an evil person, not in the slightest, but it’s not right to say that I am completely good 100% of the time. I want to go back to that half-angel, half-wolf analogy. The more I think about it the more I agree it’s true. I really, TRULY do care about the well-being of the people around me, and I want to look out for them. I sacrifice so much to better the lives of those I care about, just because I love them so much. Truthfully. That’s the half-angel side. But there’s another side to me, a side to me that most people will never see, and that side is the side of the predator. The side of me that not only wants to be the best at what I do, but to completely dominate the board. The side of me that cannot be tamed. For a while I never understood the reason why people can consider INFJs to be intense–now I know without a doubt.
I try to aim the angel side at the people around me and the wolf side at my schoolwork and my physical activities. I withdraw whenever the wolf side tries to cross over, and I try to feed my angel side so the wolf is weaker.
There you have it. In this blog I am baring my soul for you, dearest reader. You will see both the light and the dark. Although I generally consider myself a good person, I certainly have my flaws.
Let me know what you think in the comments section. I would love to hear you talk about your dark sides, if you would like to. Talk to you all soon!
Seize the day!
30 October 2016 3:10 PM