XXVIII. Loving/Forgiving Myself

Hello again, dearest reader! Thank you for taking the time to read the words that I write.

There’s really no way to sugar-coat it, so I’ll just say it: I can really use some work at extending the love I so readily give to others toward myself.

It’s something that I am working on improving, but learning how to love myself is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through.

I used to think if I got this good grade on an exam, or if this girl liked me back, or if I did some sort of action, that self-fulfillment would finally come. If it did happen that way, I thought I felt happy; but if it didn’t, then I felt terrible. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me every time I didn’t accomplish my goals. I told myself that I was a failure. I replayed the scenes over and over in my mind on a sleepless night, detailing exactly what I should have done to avoid being in the situation I placed myself in.

After reaching my breaking point, I came to a profound conclusion: I was basing my self-worth entirely on external circumstances, and this was also holding me back from the fulfillment I desired. There is no way I can be happy in that situation, because I will never be perfect. If I keep beating myself up over events of the past, then my future will never be bright.

So I’ve been working to be better about it, but it is incredibly difficult for me. As they say, old habits die hard. Most days I’m a lot happier than I’ve been in a long time. Still, I don’t feel like I am at the point where I really appreciate who I am and truly forgive myself for my mistakes. I feel like I know better than the others I am so easily able to forgive. It’s been a struggle to give that same forgiveness and grace to myself.

I would appreciate any advice or stories in the comment section. Hope to talk to you all soon!

Seize the day!
Ryan
6 February 2017 9:27 PM

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